When I was growing up even though we didn't live in Britain, being Brits we watched alot of British television. I loved this show called Keeping Up Appearances... do you know it? If you don't it's about a middle-class English woman who's life's mission seems to be about presenting a very controlled appearance to her neighbours and family. The show is buzzing with stereotypes but it was hilarious, well acted and really highlighted how darn boring and shallow it is to spend your life keeping up with the Joneses. I feel like in the last few years, since I became a mother, I really have started to feel this incredible pressure to project something 'safe,' to tow a line with my conversation, my appearance, my politics, my everything! Before parenthood I chose who I spent my time with and how much time I would spend with them. Babies bring families closer so you start spending more time with family and you find yourself in scenarios with other people who are also parents who you might never usually socialise with. There are parts of this gigantic change to my social life that I really enjoy but I also feel that after almost four years of parenting, some enormous personal challenges and succumbing to 'keeping up appearances' I feel like I am loosing myself along the way. My mental health has been something I have felt very much in the closet about but I feel like I'm in hiding and holding back so many things about myself right now that I don't honestly know what form an honest expression of who I am might look like these days. Anyway, I am really struggling with this, i feel like I'm suffocating... I can not live with myself if I'm not living by my own values; so it starts here! I am asking myself, what do I value? And I'm going to start allowing myself to express those values in all areas of my life! Even just the simple things like wanting to dye my hair green! But I've been afraid of what certain people might think, especially because I'm a mother. WTF? Who gives a hoot right? 'If someone judges you don't hate them or step down to their level. Ignore them and brush it off otherwise judgemental people will be the death of your own standards.' |
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