THEMES AUSTRALIA | MIGRATION | HOME | GHOSTS MY CHILDREN | BIRTH | WOMEN'S BUSINESS | GRACE WOMEN'S SPIRITUALITY | CONNECTION TO PLACE I worked on things till the early hours this morning, the baby stole more sleep but I got up early and I am happy to say it's done! The questions I ask myself right now: How do I explore what this place means to me using a visual language that is my own? How do tell the story of being a #Celt in this land? 25 years on the #EastCoast of #Australia - through the #highlands - on the #shores and navigating those #BigCities - days driving through the #desert into the center - how do paint what I feel here? The person who brought me here didn't stick it out, didn't make this place #home - had no respect for what was here before and didn't see nearly enough of the colours here- the irony of that man being a ghost is not lost on me. I don't want to be a ghost here. Being a 'blow in' I wonder what is it to be OF a place? Eveything is set up to make it too easy to just take so much from this land. There are towns and cities that are part of me but I am not longer part those places, OF those #communities - am I of this place yet? 3 years here, 25 years putting roots down. Does the land know me yet? Recognise my voice? I try and tread lightly, I try and add my voice to the chorus! My daughter turns 8 this week... in #Irish her name means BRIGHT. She is a bright beautiful #Australian Winter... she brightens this cold season... she brightens with the cold... loves the rain and storms and playing on and in ice. She runs warm... a true Winter baby. Even when difficult memories come up... the abuse I experienced during her birth, even when #PTSD reminds me that some things never leave you... she holds the darkness back with her SHINE. #MotherhoodIsSacred I messed up a #LargeCanvas but it lead me to discovering how much a love tearing up painted #canvas - what felt a bit devastating after waiting so long for new #supplies lead to a new #discover - finding a technique I want to use regularly in my process! We are #LayersOfRock upon the Earth's #mantle - pushing up against eachother, layer upon layer, generation upon generation. Last year a Boon Wurrung woman said to me 'you put your baby's placenta in the ground here' - she showed me how to connect my other baby to country and then asked me if I wanted to do the same thing for myself - I said I wasn't born here, I couldn't get the earth/dirt from where I was born to put into the ground. I got a bit upset at this point. She said 'you think that matters? You birthed your babies here! You're home!' What grace is that?
March is Endometriosis Awareness Month.
1 in 10 women live with this currently incurable disorder. I first started struggling with Endo when I started having a regular period when I was 12. That was 21 years ago. 11 years ago, when I was 22, I was officially diagnosed after pelvic keyhole surgery. It had taken 10 years to be diagnosed and many trips to Doctors saying: 'I think I have #Endometriosis - I need help!' During surgery a lump of endometrial tissue was removed. The lump was described by my surgeon as being the size of a golfball. After surgery symptoms continued and I have struggled to maintain a professional life due to be incapacitated each month with chronic pain, fainting episodes, migraines, exhaustion, anemia and sometimes simply because the bloodloss is just too heavy to leave the house. I have also struggled to persue my passions! I have tried many pain-management medications and explored many expensive 'alternative' options to manage pain and dysmenorrhea with very little success. I experienced some reprieve from symptoms after the birth of my daughter but six years later I had a second child and for the last 18 months I have found life with Endo once again very difficult to manage. At times, my relationships have been negatively impacted, particularly my marriage. I wouldn't wish this disorder upon any woman and I think if men were living with it and having to manage the pain and it's impact on every area of their lives it would have received much more attention by now! Help us gain awareness during March so that one day soon we can diagnose and treat this condition better and work towards a cure. WOMEN'S HEALTH MATTERS! WOMEN MATTER! HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY! "I believe great people do things before they are ready." I have found myself in a space recently where I am leaning into the things that really bring me joy... those 'life-giving' things! I am leaning into the new people in my life that I am working with and they are affirming some truths that have been revealed to me time and time again over the last few years: communication is key, few things in life are binary: wrong/right, black/white, good/bad etc. and there is NEVER going to be a 'perfect' time to make or do new things! I love that Amy Poehler quote above! I am also realising I don't need to 'push away' from things and people and ventures if my natural state is stable... that has been a very unhelpful frame of mind in many ways. If my boundaries are firmly in place and I am wearing my values on my sleeve there's no need to run, to push away. When I am solid in my world I can 'lean in' when it's needed, when I want to and when it's important to. Well, what a flippin' year it has been folks! Most of 2016 was taken up with pregnancy, the lead up to birthing, birthing and now caring for a delightful newborn who is making my heart full and my eyes heavy. And although this year my activism fell by the wayside and my contributions to The Ballarat Craftivist Alliance were few something quite incredible came out of those months trying to just get through the challenges of my pregnancy. For the first time in my adult life I was able to carve out a daily practice with my music. I worked daily on three seperate digital EPs, noting down all of my thoughts and developing the over-arching story of each project whilst bringing each song or arrangement to a point that is ready for recording. I haven't worked this way on my own stories in about ten years, when I was first starting out. Blimey! TEN YEARS since I fell out of the groove that I was forging for myself in my early 20s. :( The project that came together the quickest and I am hoping to have recorded first was about the making of mothers. About the enormous transformation that occurs during pregnancy, childbirth and as we find our feet as first-time parents. These songs focus on the stories of women who are trying to put themselves back together, either due to trauma experienced in the lead up to motherhood, during labour and/or birth or in the months immediately after. I recently shared some notes and lyrics from one of the tunes from this still nameless EP in a zine and will share them again here. Why not hey? The work is unfolding in stages and perhaps a nice way to move forward with work that is deeply personal is to bring the people who may be interested along for the ride: This year I also kept my hands busy sewing, I was nesting after all but in 2016 I REALLY enjoyed myself with paper craft and memory-keeping. I was telling a friend recently how much happier I am working on my songs knowing that I have this hobby to work on too. There's no presure! Everyone needs a hobby don't you think? It doesn't matter what you're doing in your professional life or what your daily work entails, hobbies and interests = self care and down-time... a luxury for many really but important... for me it's vital. It's taken some years to work it out but I need this time, it has to be factored into my week and if other things have to be missed to make it happen then so be it. As I get older, seeing my peers take so many different pathways on their creative journeys and seeing careers really taking shape, I am realising that creative folks inparticular need hobbies... an activity or interest that doesn't dwell in the same space as the vocation. Space to exhale! My hobby keeps my hands busy, is something I can do with my kids and I get great satisfaction completing projects using materials I love that are keepsakes, telling the stories of my family as my kids are growing up. This year it was all about the baby ofcourse and I was gifted some great crafting materials: But back to writing... I also want to share some thoughts about another 5 track I put togther this year. The EP is called Bloodlines, the image below is a mock-up single cover for the track In The Next Room. I am keen to use the design but I think I'll drop the snowflakes. The image was taken in the hills around town out here in the Western Highlands. In this spot the bush is coming back to life after some small fires from last Summer. It felt like a fitting image because although these songs were inspired by loss I was pregnant with my son. So Bloodlines is being recorded at my home in Ballarat and will be produced by myself and my husband, guitarist Jeremy Rough. It comprises of two original tracks, one traditional Irish lullaby and two folk anthems, one of which I reworked entirely.
As I touched on above, this humble project came to life during a period of great change for myself and for my extended family. The original tunes were written as my family were collectively experiencing loss and a painful reconciliation with the past. Each song tells a unique story and yet marks out a chapter in a much bigger story. The bigger story is inspired by the recent history of my mother's family and so I will most definately be dedicating this project to them. I can not wait to get these projects published and will continue to share the stories that inspired them. Getting these songs down during such a physically and mentally challenging time was such a revelation to me and I hope I can hang onto the habits that allowed me to develop so much work this year. With another babe on the scene it will be interesting to see how I go but I feel like I am definately coming back from something , coming back from somewhere perhaps? Not just moving forward after a very difficult pregnancy but coming through a fog that has been hanging around my head for the best part of the last decade. I recently posted some words and picture on Instagram as part of that silly 2006v2016 thang and after writing this up I have realised I was gearing up to take a journey as a songwriter back then... but then quite a different journey started. I want to write more about this soon I think because the themes of the last decade are definately coming out in my songs now. Anyway, here's to 2017! Sláinte! Siobhán
We said Ta'rah to Radelaide last week and being the social-media junkie that I am in the lead up to our move I decided to post some special pix and stories about this place that i have called home for the past two and half years on Instagram... i thought i would share them here too: |
some old favs:
listening to:
digital scrapbooking
SIOBHAN
X X X
So I'm not over-thinking this, I'm just writing this, spilling the beans, saying: I'm a feminist and keen to set a brilliant example of female strength for my daughter, yet if I'm honest I feel terrified about a great deal.
I have fears about things I want to take on, personal goals and such but I am also afraid of things out there, in the world, in other people, things in the night! Feminists aren't meant to say that out loud are they?
To be fair to myself it has been a rough couple of years and I do have a personality disorder to contend with and let's not even go into auditory hallucinations right now but COME ON GIRL (I say to myself)
YOU'RE A SMART WOMAN,
PULL YOUR FINGER OUT!
FEEL THE FEAR,
JUST DON'T BE PARALYSED BY IT!!!
'Hi! I'm Siobhan and I'm a feminist!
But can you please hold my hand as i walk through life!' ;)
Yeah, I'm being pretty rough on myself, I have to remember that I have achieved, faced and overcome alot in my life and in the face of many challenges. I should be proud of where I'm at. But I'm thirty later this year and my daughter is four next month and I always thought I should be teaching my daughter to 'back herself,' be fearless and if there are fears: Feel the fear and do it anyway! ;)
And yet I struggle and for the last few years I have needed alot of support. I still do!
Feminism does inform pretty much all areas of my life but I don't know how to let it inform how I handle fear... let alone inform how I manage living through a mental health crisis.
Today I found myself writing a song; one minute I'm mulling over a paragraph of lyrics I'd written and twenty minutes later the bloody thing had just written itself. Great success! So I took a recording and listened back. BOOM! What did i learn from my song? My daughter will not grow to be a bolder woman by seeing her mother trying to be an island with unrealistic mental strength in all situations. She's seeing me call in some good support when i need it, because we all need it from time to time, that's what the sisterhood is there for yeah? So i'm feeling the fear and i'm asking for a hand; so i can get some shit done!
I feel like in the last few years, since I became a mother, I really have started to feel this incredible pressure to project something 'safe,' to tow a line with my conversation, my appearance, my politics, my everything!
Before parenthood I chose who I spent my time with and how much time I would spend with them. Babies bring families closer so you start spending more time with family and you find yourself in scenarios with other people who are also parents who you might never usually socialise with.
There are parts of this gigantic change to my social life that I really enjoy but I also feel that after almost four years of parenting, some enormous personal challenges and succumbing to 'keeping up appearances' I feel like I am loosing myself along the way.
My mental health has been something I have felt very much in the closet about but I feel like I'm in hiding and holding back so many things about myself right now that I don't honestly know what form an honest expression of who I am might look like these days.
Anyway, I am really struggling with this, i feel like I'm suffocating... I can not live with myself if I'm not living by my own values; so it starts here! I am asking myself, what do I value? And I'm going to start allowing myself to express those values in all areas of my life! Even just the simple things like wanting to dye my hair green! But I've been afraid of what certain people might think, especially because I'm a mother. WTF? Who gives a hoot right?
'If someone judges you don't hate them or step down to their level. Ignore them and brush it off otherwise judgemental people will be the death of your own standards.'
- Brad DRoza
The web is my portal to A LOT of the people I love. I know where I can find them and have them on Skype within the hour. It is THE BEST tool for long-distance relationships.
My mother works in online education, she's been in the field since the beginning and I have always taken from her the idea that the internet is the very best tool for reaching out if you want to learn, if you want to teach, if you need support. She has encouraged educators to bring the net into their classrooms; to use it as a learning tool; even when the students are right infront of you! She has furthered her own learning online and has always enthused about the internet's potential. As a result I have always seen the www in a really positive light. Now, I'm certainly not naive about web. I am aware of it's potential as a tool for people to exploit and/or engage in criminal behaviour and I definately keep those things in mind but overall it has done SO MUCH GOOD in my life!
Of late I have had some judgements passed about my net-use from people in my life... it's not so fun when these things get back to us.
Although I've used the net to educate myself about many things and I've used the net to blog and to further my business, most of my online time is used keeping intouch with my family and friends all over the world. I am not at all blessed with geographical closeness to my kin and kindred spirits so as my family move around I really do feel like I NEED the internet. It bridges a gap and as a result I really do take offence to any insinuations that my time online is A WASTE OF TIME!
I use the www to connect with my loved ones across Australia and all over the world...
- As i migrant it has made the world feel SO MUCH SMALLER!
- As a parent it has empowered me, connecting with other parents, hearing their stories and sharing my own.
- It has kept my child's relationships alive with friends and family far and wide via Skype.
- As someone living with mental health challenges I have felt SO MUCH LESS ALONE as a result of digital connectivity.
- As a 'maker' it has enabled me to network with other makers and tap into a well of inspiration and encouragement I never thought i would ever have in my life.
- And as a feminist I have sourced information and connected with other women. Those bonds and their stories that have CHANGED MY LIFE!
Yep, I am just super grateful to be living in this time!
I freaking love the internet! :-)
NOTE:
I INCLUDE POSTS LIKE THIS ON MY BLOG BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR WOMEN TO SHARE THEIR STORIES. I SEE THIS KIND OF DISCLOSURE AS A RADICAL ACT. IT'S ABOUT TAKING UP SPACE, SOMETHING ALL GOOD GALS ARE TAUGHT NOT TO DO AND SOMETHING ALL GOOD FEMINISTS SHOULD DO!
SO THANKYOU INTERNET FOR GIVING SO MANY WOMEN A PLATFORM.
AND THANK YOU KINDLY FOR READING! :-)
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